I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
At least life still wants to fuck me.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Randomize
