Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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