He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
