You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
