I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
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