also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
