and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
And then he peed in my hair
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