My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Randomize
