True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
