You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Randomize
