Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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