I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Randomize
