He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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