Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
