Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
