If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Randomize
