I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
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