have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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