i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
