You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
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I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
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I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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