I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
You ate ashes out of my bong
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
