im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Randomize
