I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize