You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
