i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
