I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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