Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
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