don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
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