Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
We have started to decorate penises.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
