im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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