I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
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It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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