Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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