Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
