got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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