I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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