I didn't shave. On purpose
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
You're a waste of cheezeits
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
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