He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
