Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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