I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize
