My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
