Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
