I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Randomize
