Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
