you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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