someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
