we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Randomize
