bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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