Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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