absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
