I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
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Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
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I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
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