If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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