youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Randomize
