i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
